Moving up & Moving on
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it is having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness, it is our greatest measure of courage.”
Fall has arrived, and we have officially been in Colorado for over a year! We have many life updates, full schedules, and busy weeks, but for now, I want to share with you how my EMDR sessions have ended and what an impact they have had on my life, my family's life, and my personal relationship with Elliott.
I thought I was okay one year ago when we moved, but I was not at all. Our family of four had only ever known what it was like to live in Austin. Nathan and I had built our lives there since our early 20s, so living in Austin gave me a safety net I didn't know I had. Moving pulled this safety net out from underneath me.
I became wildly depressed and riddled with anxiety after our transition and move, which ultimately unleashed this un-dealt with trauma from Elliott's birth that I hadn't fully processed. I lost any sort of self-confidence that I had, and I was a walking ball of self-loathing, sadness, and insecurity.
Sounds fun, huh? Enter EMDR....
I started this therapy in February 2022 and "graduated" in August 2022. It was a full seven months of regular sessions to turn the triggering event of Elliott's birth into a memory that is no longer triggering.
This process has left me a stronger mother, partner, and woman.
I used to believe that everything was my fault: I should have caught the lack of movement in my belly sooner; I should have been more present in the crucial moments of Elliott's life; and any challenges he would face would all be because of me.
I now believe truths about myself and my birth story that are positive and encouraging rather than degrading and uncertain.
I have learned to recast my negative thoughts into a positive self-acknowledgment.
I didn't catch the lack of movement too late. I caught it so early that I saved his life.
I wasn't absent in the crucial moments of his life. I was by his side every single second that I was physically able.
The fear that Elliott will face more challenges in his life has been replaced by the excitement that he will overcome them and achieve great accomplishments and successes.
In addition to working through the birth trauma, I was also struggling greatly in my day-to-day relationship with Elliott. Before starting EMDR, I would get overly irritated by things that didn't warrant it. Over time, I realized I wasn't making Elliott feel as emotionally safe as I could. This realization rocked me to my absolute core.
The impact on Elliott's and my relationship was due to me, and only me.
I refused to stand in the way of my relationship with my Son. I made a vow to myself that he could see me as a strong woman and a warrior myself. I want to be an encouragement to him as he is to me.
I was going to take care of myself, deal with my trauma, deal with my anger, and deal with my sadness so that I had the capacity to see my beautiful boy for who he is. I was going to stop living in fear and anger all the time. My fear of the unknown future was affecting my life in the present.
And guess what? The shift of turning the mirror on myself & fixing my own stuff first has absolutely changed everything.
Elliott and I's relationship has completely transformed. I have more patience; we have a whole lot more fun, and I now feel better equipped to provide him with comfort and emotional support. As a whole, our family laughs a lot more often. We are happier.
When I wrapped my final session with my therapist, she asked me how I felt, and I said "free." With teary eyes from both of us, I was confirmed that I have put in the hard work, I have dealt with HARD feelings, and I have come out the other side stronger and much better off for myself, and for my family. EMDR has changed our lives.
One of the phrases I have been told over and over again over the years is, 'I am the best mom in the world for Elliott.'
I can hear those words now, and I believe them fiercely.
Damn right I am. Lucky me.
