Finding Joy....and Therapy
It's been a while, so I want to share some life updates I've experienced over the last few months. Welcome back!
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).
EMDR is a form of psychotherapy that is based on the idea that negative thoughts & feelings are the result of unprocessed memories from a traumatic event. EMDR has been recommended to me by a handful of trusted professionals to specifically work through the memories surrounding Elliott’s birth.
In February, I started this process & although I'm not finished, it has already been life-changing enough that I feel motivated to share it and explain in more detail what EMDR does and how it works.
The treatment plan of EMDR consists of eight phases:
History Intake
Treatment Plan
Preparation
Assessment
Desensitization
Positive Cognition
Body Scan
Re-Evaluation
The first four stages identify feelings towards the traumatic event. Phases five & six use a technique called bilateral stimulation. In layman's terms, bilateral stimulation trains your brain to categorize the traumatic event as a memory instead of a debilitating emotion. Once you are done with this desensitization process, you rate how the traumatic event makes you feel. Is the hard memory replaced with positive or neutral cognitive thoughts? On a scale of 0-10, 10 being the most difficult feeling imaginable, how does this event make you feel? (The idea is that you would answer this question with a zero by stage eight.) I am currently on stage five: desensitization.
This is, by far, one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done in my life. My therapist likes to describe this phase as a tangled-up yarn ball in my brain, which we are working to untangle. There are no two people, or traumas, that are the same when it comes to this therapy, so neither she nor I know how long we will be in the desensitization phase. What I will say is that, for the first time, I am processing Tuesday morning when Elliott was brought into the world in a way that is beginning to hold a very different memory than it used to. My scale (as mentioned above) has moved from 8/9 to 5/6, and with every session, that number keeps dropping.
Prior to the desensitization phase, I had a couple of big lightbulb moments that helped me learn more about myself as well. I had no clue how much all of this was impacting me on a subconscious level:
My body and mind have been operating in what’s called the fight, flight, freeze, or faint stage(s) since April of 2018. After you experience a trauma, it is very normal to go into these stages as your brain figures out the new “normal.” However, I have never truly moved beyond these stages, even though I thought I had. In the last year, I was getting triggered by almost anything. (IE: Doctors appts, friends having babies, hearing the word NICU, people asking me about Elliott's brace, the list goes on and on). I never had a visceral response to any of this until recently.
GUILT. Oh my God, the guilt. I had no idea. I believed everything was all my fault: the birth, his CP diagnosis, any pain he was in...Again, the list goes on and on. It’s very hard to admit, but I was starting to believe I wasn't a good enough mom for him. I became wildly jealous of Elliott’s relationship with Nathan and got super self-conscious about almost every interaction Elliott and I had. I was angry all the time. I was sad all the time. I felt inadequate all the time. This feeling of guilt was impacting everything. I saw a version of myself I did not like at all, and I had no idea how much of it stemmed from an unrealized feeling of guilt.
Ironically enough, the reminder of this traumatic event I am talking about is right around the corner. My sweet Elliott is about to turn four next week. Leading up to this date, I am holding that memory from four years ago in a much different place in my head and my heart than I have for any other birthday.
The hard work and therapy are not done, but so far, the difference in mental clarity is already night and day. I have more patience, confidence, joy, and a renewed sense of security about myself, my family & my relationship with E.
One thing I know for sure is that putting in the time is exhaustive, expensive, and difficult, but gosh is it so SO worth it. The people I am closest to deserve the best version of me & EMDR is helping me get there. I hope that if anyone reading this is struggling, it can be a boost of encouragement to you as well.
“Hope
Show up hopeful and make the world around you a better place
Show up hopeful, and your world will be better because of it”
