Seasons won't last forever
So I have been hesitant to write an update here, because, truth be told, I am having a hard time. I once received very honest feedback from someone whose opinion I value immensely: some of my posts can come across as "woe is me." That is absolutely never my intention. My intention for this blog is to share our journey openly and honestly. Sometimes that may mean there are times of happiness, growth, and positive outlook, and other times it may mean that I am processing out loud the trials and tribulations that our family, and I personally, are facing. Today's post is the latter.
I am admittedly living through one of the hardest seasons I have ever experienced, and I hope that by sharing this publicly, I can help others not feel so alone when they go through a really tough season as well.
Elliott has been thriving since we arrived in Colorado. He is making friends, he is loving school, he gets to go on bike rides and hikes, and our backyard shares a gated fence with the family next door. The neighbors have two young kids, and they all play together almost every day. There is something so magically fantastic about listening to kids' imaginations go wild as they play make-believe, blow bubbles, write with sidewalk chalk, or build forts with outdoor toys. His language has expanded, he has started playing more independently, and he continues to adore his little sister.
There are beautiful, good things unfolding in our lives. I am grateful.
Additionally, I have been working tirelessly to bring our care team together and ensure we are not falling behind on the progress we have made over the last year since he was first diagnosed. Currently, he is seeing three different therapists in three different locations, on three different days, and 99% of the time, I am bringing Harper along. My goal is to consolidate these therapies into two days across two locations, but I am on the waitlist for that to become a reality.
Last week, he saw a Physical Therapist for the first time since we moved here, and I was told that we need to recast him and fit him for a new brace. This information hasn't come as much of a shock to me, since we were told serial casting would be fluid in this process.
However, the casting news, transitioning to our new life and normal here, all of the therapies, doctors’ appointments, some pretty rough sleepless nights, sick kids, and a slew of other things have caused a very slow breakdown that has been happening in my head and my heart, even through the moments of joy.
I started noticing my anxiety going through the roof, overwhelming irritability, feelings of inadequacy & just wanting to be alone and asleep as much as possible. Classic depression signs. I have lived this rollercoaster of depression before, but this time feels different. It feels harder, more daunting, and more exhausting.
I feel like I'm running on empty, trying to operate at a high velocity of speed, with no end in sight.
Nathan grew increasingly worried about me, and as much as he tried to help, he knew something had to change that was bigger than he could offer. I called my therapist for an emergency session.
There were some pretty massive realizations I had during this one-hour therapy session:
Before Elliott turned three years old, we experienced what I consider three different life-threatening medical emergencies that all resulted in overnight hospital stays. That does not even include a speech apraxia diagnosis, cerebral palsy diagnosis, or miscarriage. That is a lot of trauma.
Elliott was diagnosed with CP one year ago. The mind and body remember those 'anniversary' dates & that can trigger more intense emotions.
I have no reserves to pull from. My body shuts down when stress enters, rather than knowing how to deal with it adequately right now. I need to figure out how to get a baseline back, so I have some strength to deal with whatever the future may hold.
My therapist also said something to me that hit me like a ton of bricks & I haven't been able to get out of my head since. She said that I have accepted the CP diagnosis, but I have not accepted the longevity and chronicity of it. I knew instantly that she was right.
I have been paralyzed lately with fear at how daunting the continual workings of therapies will be for the unforeseen future. I have been paralyzed with fear that Elliott will feel different, or get bullied, or will start resisting wearing his brace, or will not be able to keep up with sports....
I am paralyzed with these thoughts, so much so that they are crippling for me. I don't know how this momma's heart will deal with the pain my child experiences, and the simple thought of it right now just shuts me down.
It is NO WONDER why I don't feel like myself. Talking to a professional helped me to put some words and realizations to my emotions, but more importantly, she helped me make a plan. Something has got to change so that I can be stronger and more capable for my family.
The next step is a full blood workup with my doctor to assess how stress has affected my thyroid and adrenal glands. I will continue seeing my current therapist, but I will also transition to a trauma specialist to get something called EMDR done. We will adjust the medicine I am currently on, and I will focus on simple tasks like meditation, prayer, breathing & sleep. I will not be pushing myself to work out daily or cook regularly. I will get back to the basics so that I can show up for my kids & husband, every day.
I will get through this, and I believe I will come out the other side stronger and better for it, but right now, it is very safe to say I am living in a hard season.
The beauty of living in Colorado is seeing the summer season physically change before my eyes as it gives way to fall. I am watching the leaves turn from green to yellow to red all around, and I am reminded that no matter how beautiful or how hard the season, the only constant in life is change. This will not last forever.
Is this woe is me? I don't know, maybe. I hope it doesn't read as such. I don't need or want people feeling sorry for us. We are blessed beyond measure.
I believe with my whole heart that Elliott will change the world, that nothing will slow him down, and that he will experience all of the possibilities of the world around him that he wants to. I also believe that raising Elliott and getting through the day-to-day of our life will be my life's greatest work, both a challenge and an honor.
I know that I am capable of handling the cards life has given me, even on my hardest days....I will end with this quote I heard the other day that has given me immense strength.
“Peace — It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart ”
