Dear God...Can you hear me?

Will I always have to wonder what is "normal" (I HATE USING THAT WORD), or could this behavior be a result of his brain injury?

Will my hard days always be so debilitating that I feel dysfunctionally stressed out?

If asked, how will I handle telling other kids what Elliott's brace is without making Elliott feel different?

How can I stop looking at Elliott's crooked little body without getting a pit in my stomach and just feeling sad and guilty for him some days?

I can do all the work I have & I can do my best to be strong and prepared for what life brings us, most days. Yet these questions, and many others, still bring me to my knees.

Dear God,

Can you hear me?

My faith is all over the place.

I believe in God and in miracles because I know that Elliott is a true living miracle. But I also struggle greatly. Truth be told, my actual greatest fear before having kids was having a kid with special needs. Let me be very clear here: ELLIOTT DOES NOT HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS. I don't want to use those words in the same sentence because his situation is different. But he does have challenges ahead of him that a majority of the population, and kids his age, will not face.

I am so angry with God for putting us in this situation that it almost feels laughable to be pushed to the absolute brink of what I believe I can handle. If God is out there, he knew this was in line with my greatest fear.

I want to hate God for this, yet be grateful for all the blessings of Elliott's life, for saving him, and for giving him to me.

What a cluster.

Is my life always going to feel so yin and yang? Equal parts gratitude and equal parts fear and anger?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions.

On the hard days, these thoughts swirl in my head amidst toddler tantrums and constant misbehavior. I struggle with internal battles of wondering what is worth sharing with a doctor or others vs. what is not.

If you signed up for this blog, I promised to never sugarcoat anything, so here we are today.

I will do a more positive follow-up post. I want to share more about how wonderful, kind, brilliant, and hilarious Elliott is, and how I am capable and strong, and can say 'bring it on' to whatever life throws at me!

Today, though, I am sad, frustrated, annoyed, and frankly just pissed off. Today, I will stand by the truths that Elliott is loved, that I am a good mom, and that, deep down, I believe in God and know he is good.

But seriously,

Can you hear me?